messy.

When I want to be, I am an incredibly neat and organized person. Each thing has its place. And I am such a  performance based person. Can you say type a? I really like things to go my way. I like control. And I like the security that calling all the shots brings. I know what I am going to do and when I'm going to do it. I like plans. And I like lists. People don't always (okay, ever) follow my plans. And I find it so frustrating at times when people don't fit into my mold. And thus I am tempted to shirk away in my irritation, and revert back to my  comfortable cave of control. Of course they're wrong. The thing is, people are variables, and they don't always fit into my equation to make my perfect result. They're kind of messy. And kind of frustrating. And kind of essential to my life. And maybe the fundamental problem is not their uncooperative nature, but rather my trying to force them into my plan like trying to force a puzzle piece in the wrong place. And my prideful, egocentric attitude towards my brothers and sisters in Christ.

Relationships are messy. They require trust and vulnerability, and require relinquishing control. That's really uncomfortable for me sometimes, but who would I be without them? Alone. The implications of that single word are gut-wrenching. No smiles, no hugs, no laughter over a warm cup of coffee, no holding hands, no dancing, no warmth. No LOVE. All of those things make my world spin around. What would I be willing to give up  a wee bit more control?

Holding hands while shopping in Target, and dancing around the kitchen with this chickadee...?

The most perfect picnics in late summer...? Maybe  I could live without the car ride that followed ;)

What about this girl?  It wasn't in my plan to sit next to her in anatomy and become best friends in the course of a few weeks. Maybe I'm not actually in control...

Or the surprise visits from her, just when I really needed it the most? Not in my plan either... but I loved every moment of it.

Or trying to cram too many people on a single blanket just to enjoy a perfect afternoon...?

Crazy study breaks that actually last longer than the study sessions?

Friendships that span language and international borders...?

Coffee dates with these beauties that fill my stomach and my heart...?

The bunches of sweet girls who fill my dorm and my days with laughter?

Would I be willing to squander a beautiful family just to have things go my way?

None of those people who fill my life with laughter, joy and love are truly more important to me than things going according to my plans. Yes, relationships can really suck but I'm convinced the benefits outweigh possible hurt. And maybe the messiest thing in my life is not in fact the relationships that surround me but rather my heart and my unhealthy desire to be in control. I guess the fact of the matter is I AM NOT IN CONTROL ANYWAYS! And while I have the compulsive need to plan and list, the best things come when I let go and let God take the reigns. Maybe He is a better planner than me, He sure has been doing it longer. 

Here's the truth: I'm just as messy as the rest of them, and maybe I should just breathe deep and embrace it. 

(my favorite picture...ever)

Abba, help me to let you truly be the Lord of my life. Be my everything. Humble me. I surrender all.

Crazy Like a Fox.

I've been home on break for nearly a week now, and I'd have to say I might've learned some greater lessons in that short span than in all semester in some of my classes. It's the real stuff. The lessons that don't leave me asking when am I EVER going to use that in real life, because it IS real life. But of course no good lesson ever happens without a teacher. My teacher doesn't take off her "teacher hat" when she leaves Farragut Primary. I'm pretty sure she was born with it on and she never takes it off. This week my teacher, aka mom, has taught me more about what it means to be a real godly woman than I could ever have ascertained on my own.

My mom is that lady, you all know one like her, who knows a good deal and when she sees it, she pounces. I always look at her a little bewildered and think when are you ever going to really use that, you're crazy. This week, her crazy purchases have saved our hineys a good dozen times. And each time she's looked at me and said "I'm crazy all right, crazy like a fox."

She's the lady who's friends with all my friends and never hesitates to welcome them on over to our house stating "Mi casa es su casa!" She also forgets that I don't understand her when she whispers little Spanish phrases to me so my sister can't understand... secret's out Sophia: I don't understand either! And she's the beautiful woman who notices admirable qualities in people and makes sure that they know she is proud of them.

My mom, the teacher who never stops teaching, takes her teaching job beyond the borders of the classroom teaching not only her children what it means to be a good person, but teaching her students the same. She takes good care of her "families." And goes out of her way to take care of her students' families needs just like she takes care of her own. She lives out the Gospel in a way that I can only theorize, and the best part about it...it just comes natural to her.

My mom has been the fortitude of strength that I have needed throughout my life, and has the story of a fighter like none other. She has taught me through her stories, and through her daily what it means to truly cherish the important things, to work hard and the value love and respect. I am so proud of the great mother that I have and so thankful for the time I get to spend with her this break.

Giving Thanks

I am so thankful to be home this Thanksgiving for TEN WHOLE DAYS! I didn't realize how much I needed that time until I got home. I am so thankful for many things, but I'll share a few:
1. Food that is made with love
2. The ability to burn candles (illegal in the dorms...not cool, but safe...I suppose)
3. Baths (not showers where you have to wear sandals)
4. Getting to hug my family whenever I want how ever much I want. It makes me so happy just to see my mom's face each morning, and to snuggle up with my daddy. I never realized how much I valued them until I didn't get to see them everyday. And of course my rascally little sister, who has become so inquisitive and increasingly literate since I saw her a month ago! It's kinda crazy to see the things I am learning in psychology pan out right before my very eyes in her. And my brother. Gotta love that kid...and he reminds me of the mess I was when I was 16...which makes me thankful that some of those messages my mom beat me over the head with finally sunk in and I'm so better for it.

So some of the things that I am thankful for are trivial (like the whole candles thing...) and truly I am thankful for Lipscomb and even the food, which is pretty good and hey, it keeps me alive. And when the showers that have the best water pressure and heat are all full, and I have to use the not as good ones, I am reminded that I MUST be thankful that I can take a shower each day, even multiple times a day. This is a commodity not afforded to the majority of the world's population. I am thankful for all of the things above, but tonight, I am especially overwhelmed with thankfulness for the Lord's faithfulness, to me, his frail daughter.

As the holidays have approached, memories of last year's struggles during this time have surfaced. I remember my frightened, hurt and broken self all to well. For too many days, and far too many nights, even after breaking through the thick of it, I have wrestled with frustration and guilt over those all those rough days. However, a little something has been stirring inside me to look on that struggle with fresh eyes. I may never have the answer to my many questions that can ultimately be boiled down to a single "why", but I can choose to praise YHWH for pulling me through. And holding me in His tight embrace even as I thrashed around trying to run away, cursing His name. Thinking like this brings glory to His name, and fills my heart with love for Him. Right now, I am amazed that he would care so much for me, and how that speaks such volumes of how my Abba views me as His precious daughter.

I realize how much I have grown and matured in the past year, and I am astounded. Even in the past six months. I praise the Lord for continuing to finish the good work he began in me, just like He said He would. The Lord, our God, our Father, our Rock, The Mighty Lion of Judah, our Redeemer IS FAITHFUL.

As I look at the work He has done in me over this short time, I am excited to see what He will continue to do in the future. And remembering His faithfulness eases my sometimes overbearing anxiety. Maybe the antidote to worry is thanksgiving? Seems like something that might just be worth trying.

"Devote yourselves to prayer with an alert mind and a thankful heart." Colossians 4:2

Boys 2 Men

Would I settle for beef jerky when I could have steak? As of right now, I have not had steak in over 2 months, so beef jerky is the closest thing that I can get to steak around this place, but that's not the point...The meaning of this goes a wee bit deeper than the cravings of my stomach, to the cravings of my heart. Will I settle for a boy, when I could have a MAN of God? That's where the beef jerky comes in...the beef jerky is the boy, and the steak is a man, but I guess you could've figured that out. The steak takes longer, but don't all good things take time? I wish that I could take credit for this analogy, but I can't. My sweet house church leader from Ethos had the opportunity to attend a girls of grace conference where Chris Wheeler (okay I forgot his name...I think that's it but Google's failing me! but he has really crazy hair, and talked to my home church about adoption... and forever stole my heart when he called his wife a Guatemama because they had adopted a precious Guatemalan daughter!) spoke and he coined this analogy. Now that I have given due credit to the unnamed man, I'll continue with his wise words. A boy is selfish, a man is courageous. Whoa. Sometimes I don't realize the settling that I commit until someone calls me out on it. How often have I settled? He also called us out on the topic of possession. I do not belong to anyone, not even to myself. I have been bought by the blood of Christ, and I belong to Him, no one else.

Since being at Lipscomb, I have really been challenged by relationships. No mom, I don't have a boyfriend, hear me out! (; It's like swimming in a whole new sea, filled with different fish. And as I look around sometimes I find myself wondering if one of those fish is my future husband. I am entering into the season where marriage is a more realistic thing. These relationships have the potential to last unlike the fickle high school relationships which often burn out with one strong gust of wind. Just as much, well nearly just as much, as I find myself wondering about marriage, I wonder about the absence of it. And I am challenged by 1st Corinthians 7 in which Paul encourages those who are single to remain so. I looked these verses in my study Bible with the extensive commentary (this thing's a brick!) and apparently, it relates more to the state of present affairs at the time of authorship, in specific the intense persecutions of the Christians, but I wonder what Paul would say about today's culture. Would he classify us in a crisis state? Is it wrong of me to write off this passage as being simply historical, and inapplicable to 2011? 

The more and more that I think about these things, I am beginning to embrace the idea of singleness and the immense amount of freedom that offers. Singleness offers me the opportunity to move as God calls, and the opportunity for me to do as I please. As I write this, I am listening to one of the girls down the hall talk to her boyfriend concerned about a wall post on Facebook by another girl...point made. 

But I am still faced with a sense of immaturity in myself. I see that in my inability to imagine how God could work radically through a married couple...take that back. I have seen marriages in which God is not only the foundation but an vital element, but I can't imagine MYSELF in that situation. I still have too many independent woman wild oats to sow.  And while I desire to have high standards for a godly man, my primary concern needs to be becoming the godly woman the Lord has called me to be, to be so focused on him that I am oblivious to earthly pursuits of boys. I need to make sure that I do not have double standards, and I am living the life of a godly woman who deserves a godly man. I'm not there yet. Some days I am successful in my pursuit of womanhood, and other days I regress into a little girl. It's a process. I'm a process, and thankfully God know's what he is doing.

p.s. I am so thankful for God's words of wisdom in Proverbs 31 which gives a picture of a godly woman :) 

Just for Giggles.

So I have realized that all of my posts up until today, have been a little heavy, so I figured that I'd lighten things up around here, because I love to laugh and have a good time y'all! And that needs to be shared with  too!

So the other day I was talking to a friend in the library and realized there was something under my shoe and what was it? Nothing other than a Dove chocolate. No. I did not eat it...that would be gross! But I opened it up and read the saying on the inside of the wrapper aka my favorite part!

How perfect is that? (: It made me smile, and made the homework I was there to do a little less dull.

And while I'm on the subject of scrumptious food, Starbucks has their peppermint mocha back for winter! yumyumyum! I am so thankful for the Starbucks on campus, even if it is fueling my caffine addiction. It's been so yucky and dreary around here for the past few days, and I just want to snuggle up with a cup of hot chocolate and sit by a fire. I have the hot chocolate, but no fire. I guess my heated blanket will have to do for now! 

Oh man even the cup makes me so excited for the holidays! I've had my christmas lights up since the middle of October, and have no intention of taking them down 'til May! I can almost smell the pumpkin bread baking in the kitchen or the cinnamon broom in my house. My stomach is growling, and I am ready for a trip home. Maybe the holiday sentiments are getting to me...I WAS singing "I'll be home for Christmas" yesterday.

I went to McKay's yesterday with my roomie, and after perusing the movies, and then the biology section (yeah, I'm a nerd) I wandered over to the cookbooks and craft section. There are so many things that I want to be: outdoors-y, craft-y, and a good cook. So maybe the detour to the craft section is what prompted me to FINALLY patch my favorite jeans.

It started off really well UNTIL I got my thread all tangled and had to spend 15 minutes trying to untangle it.

Clearly I am not a seamstress...

This is all the headway that I made until I decided, it was so not worth it, and switched to a different color.

The final result....drum roll please!!!!

Patch numero uno! Yep, that's a pair of valentine's day children's sized sleep shorts I had laying around. 

Annnnd number two! Now I realize that I should probably not quit my day job, or take up Family Consumer Science as my  major, but it works! At least from the outside...

Maybe not so much from the inside (;

Yesterday was a great time of fun and laughter, the earlier part of the week were a little more stressful and work filled. And last night was topped off by an awesome time of worship at Sanctuary with great friends. I had invited a friend who had never been, and was a little wary of how he'd like it. He's kind of a hipster, but also kind of southern (One day he'll wear Toms and the next day he'll wear cowboy boots). ...and very hard to read! But he decided to join us, and I was nervous the majority of the way there, concerned with whether or not he would like it. As we moved into worship, those concerns drifted away, and I decided that I was going to worship the Lord no matter who was standing next to me, and no matter what his judgements may be. About halfway through though, I  began to feel a drum beat being played on the chair back. And sure enough there was my friend playing the "drums", head leaned back, totally entrenched in worship. Praise the Lord! As we drove back to campus, I asked him how he liked it, and he said he liked it a lot more than he thought he would! And that he would try to go again with us whenever he could. My heart just sang with joy at hearing those words. I so just wanted him to be able to enjoy this beautiful worship experience that I am blessed to attend each week, and by God alone he did. I am so thankful for the Lord, and His desire to draw us ever closer to Him. And if the Lord can do that with him, then I am confident He will do it with me. Oh man, even thinking about it now, I just want to sing praise to the Lord! (:

48 Hours.

For the first time in my life, I have gone to bed hungry. And while the dreams about burritos that followed as I drifted into sleep were humorous, the pangs of hunger, and mild obsession with food were not. While this was not an experience that I am longing to relive again, I feel that maybe it is necessary. Maybe I should experience hunger on a more regular basis, to understand, if only minimally, what the majority of the world experiences regularly.

My seminar class decided to fast for 48 hours, and as I write this, I am at 39.  Breakfast is literally calling my name. Okay maybe not really, if it was that would be a little freaky. This was my first fast ever. I have had the intent to fast before, but never followed through. But this one I am…Go big or go home, right? While the motivation behind our fast was not entirely spiritual, I think that it is almost impossible to eliminate a heightened sense of spirituality. I hoped to pray myself through the trying moments, and in some occasions, I was successful. In others, I just did more distracting homework. But what I began to realize is that the revelations I was having, overlapped into all areas of my life, academic, physical and spiritual. We were learning about hunger in my psych class, go figure, and studying Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. It all began to make sense. If people are hungry, then that is their primary focus. The goal of each day is to survive, and meet your basic needs. We don’t worry  needing to eat or drink, or even for the most part our safety. Our primary concern is acceptance and love and we seek that out in unfulfilling ways, which contributes to the decline happiness levels in the US. I think that Maslow might have been onto something.

I am fully aware that fasting for 48 hours is not a true experience of hunger or poverty; I plan on eating a delicious, nutrisious breakfast as soon as I wake up in the morning. Most hungry people can’t count on that…Last night after studying in the library for way to long, I headed outside and it was FREEZING. I usually run kinda cold, but all  day I had been freezing, and this was just the topper. As I walked out of the library, I was struck by the hoplessness of being homeless and starving. What would I do if put in that situation? The thought of ME being homeless has never really occurred. Quite frankly until this point I have had relatively no input into my living condition. I was born into the wonderful family that I have, and my parents have always worked their bums off providing for me. My mom never let me go to bed hungry. If I was homeless on that cold night, which I’m sure is just a foreshadowing of what is to come, and hungry, I don’t know what I would. Maybe I would pray? Probably either for deliverance, or death. Let me remind you I hadn’t eaten for 12 hours and it was maybe 40 degrees outside. Maybe I am a complete baby (very likely) or homelessness is a deeply serious issue.

Tonight, my house church from ethos and I grabbed some hamburgers and some waters and headed out to the streets of downtown Nashville. We broke up into smaller groups (don’t worry Mom, I had a 6’5’’ guy with me!...yeah I asked how tall he was…) and set out to help those in need. We stopped on the bridge to talk with some men, and their stories blew me away. Mark. He has two daughters and is from SoCal but moved to Indiana to be with family. He lost all he had, a 199 acre farm he bought from the profit of selling his 300,000 house, in a divorce which left him to roam the streets of Nashville. He had a pretty good set-up under some trees by the river until the floods last spring, which left him with out his minimal possessions. Now he is living at a church and working at their kitchen to serve other homeless and needy people. While a warm bed is offered to him, he chooses to sleep outside with sleeping bags in order to keep himself humble. This man is making such an impact on his community, and in light of his efforts, my hamburgers (which he wouldn’t take because he said other people needed them more) suddenly became very insignificant.

Mark. Mike. George. Larry. Bryan. Sharon. These are the names of the homeless that I have met since moving here, but yet there are literally 1000’s more. And they probably go to bed hungry and cold each and every night. And some of these men and women are among the most faithful people I know. Mark holds tight to the knowledge that God DOES have a plan for him, even if he can’t see it right now. Maybe it truly is a blessing to be poor. As for the others who do not know Jesus, I am not sure how I can share the love of Jesus with them, if their basic needs aren’t met. Do they have a reason to hope, because from my point of view, life has dealt them some crummy cards. How can I begin to “minister” to them if I can’t even fathom walking a minute in their shoes.?

I don’t have an answer for this problem.  God, please show me yours.

Yearning.

So right now I SHOULD be reading a book for my Seminar class...well I was supposed to read that over fall break, but that didn't exactly happen, mostly because I was reading the other two books my teacher assigned. He's a hoot. But why can't I read? So much is on my heart right now, and I think back to the simply gorgeous day that I got to experience. Some days I'm just so amazed by life itself. Today I had 20 minutes before my lab, so I grabbed my journal and ran out to the square to find a swing. I found one, and just listened to the world around me, and wrote "Lord, my heart delights in you and your creation. I hear the birds chirping in the distance. A beautiful melody unknown to me, but captivating in it's mystery." Just remembering this afternoon, I long to just sit and be still enjoying life. Enjoy the gentle breeze tickling the back of my neck with my hair. Enjoy the sweet warmth of the sun's glow kissing my cheeks as I soak up a beautiful fall day.


And while today had it's gorgeous moments, it also had some really tiring ones as well. As much peace filled my heart for that blissful 20 minutes, stress and frustration have equally held their share in my day. I need to remember that Jesus never promised that it'd be easy, but that he'd be there...through the good  the bad and even the ugly. He will uphold me by His right hand. I am precious and loved. While the waves of grace and mercy bring me to my knees in worship, this world often brings tears to my eyes. It is broken. I am broken. We are broken. We need Jesus.


The talented artist Misty Edwards (who secretly reads my journal and writes songs about it...) has many more eloquent words to describe my heart tonight and I'd like to share just one snippet with y'all... It's called "I am yours"


www.youtube.com/watch?v=iKpaDV7TGaU




Though I sleep, my heart is awake
Though It's night, on You I wait

(repeat)

It's been a long night, and I am weary
It's been a long time, and I am hungry
So I'll wait in the stillness again
I'll wait in the quiet again
For when I heard Your voice
When You said my name
When I heard Your voice
My heart it yearned

(repeat)

In the middle of the night
In the middle of the night
In the middle of the night
My heart it yearns

(repeat)

Though You're far away, still I'm here to say
I am Yours, I am Yours
And when You feel so far away, still I am here to say
I am Yours, I am Yours

(repeat)

And I pay my vows, no turning around
I burn the bridges that can't be found

(repeat)

For when I heard Your voice
And You said my name
When I heard Your voice
My heart it yearned
For You. 

So much is on my mind and my heart that I can't even form words for...tonight I am pressing into the truth that the Holy Spirit is interceding to the Father on my behalf.

I AM WASHED BY THE WATERS.

"You are dead to sin, and alive in Christ."

Where does this story even begin? Last night...? 2 years ago...? 10? 18? 2000? As I sit here thinking about that, I am beginning to lean towards the beginning of time, when the Lord said "Let there Be Light" and there was light. OR even maybe when He thought to create the world. How do I even begin to comprehend that? Maybe I should just start with last night...

Ethos Church. None can describe what I have experienced here. Each Sunday, I look forward to going to church, granted I try to be very mindful of my motivation in attendance. Do I go because, well that's what I do on Sunday night with all my friends. Or am I going because I WANT TO EXPERIENCE THE HEART OF GOD. Honestly, I vacillate between the two on a weekly basis, and am often confronted with judgement of motivation as I sit in the white fold-out chairs. Better late than never...? So how did I wind up at Ethos on October 23? With a dear friend from home. And another friend I am beginning to know, but I believe will become a dear friend before I leave Lipscomb. All the way back to school from fall break, we were pumped and my friend kept saying "Tonight is going to be so good." Little did we know.

On the way to church, we passed another precious friend who got into a car wreck on the way to church...he was supposed to ride with us. He was fine, but as we moved into worship, all I could think about was the sick feeling rooted in my gut (and my friend next to me's cologne...nice but kind of strong). It was a unique day at Ethos, celebrating their third birthday with 100% of the offering going to build wells in Ethiopia. And Baptism. In a horse trough.

Thankfully the Lord, captured the mind and the heart of his very distractable daughter, aka me, through the eloquent and challenging words of the pastor Dave. And I was struck by the very horrid and yet true image of Jesus on the cross with blood spilling out of his hands. I imagined the grains in the wood that his flesh was being pounded into. The ringing of the hammer against a nail. Blood running down His side, pouring from is hands. And who was the one murdering Him? Me and my sin. Little sweet innocent Sam, yeah ME. I am a redeemed murderer. Doesn't that make you want to hurl, because I feel sick once again. I want to know that love. I want to give that love.

 As we transitioned back into worship, Dave asked us to ask the Lord what He wanted from us. For me? Trust. Why is it so hard for me to trust God...like I could do it better on my own. But the thing is, I don't not WANT to trust God, it just seems at times to be contrary to my character. Which I guess it is, but I don't believe that it is beyond God's power of transformation. I have trust issues. Flat out. And unfortuately the wounds that lead me to not trust bleed over into my relationship with the only One worthy of trust. The only one who will never disappoint me, who will never forsake or abandon me. If I trust Him, I will obey. Because I want to learn to trust, I obeyed (it only took a minor heart attack to convince me though...kidding...halfway). I was struck by the thought that if I really loved Jesus like I profess I need to be willing to do anything and everything to live it out. And so I did what I have been meaning to do since that night two and a half years ago, when lying flat on my face, I realized that I NEEDED Jesus. I literally took a step of faith stepped and was baptized. But I was not alone, my sweet friend who had been saying how good tonight was going to be, well they dunked her too!

I can't begin to describe how freeing a simple act of dunking someone under the water, in a horse trough, in a bar was. No longer do I feel that gnawing feeling that I have left things undone, and have only lived out half of Jesus's commandment to repent and be baptized. I am free and whole in Him. I am "dead to sin and alive in Christ". That is unfathomable. How merciful and gracious is the King of Kings, and Lord Most High. My Savior and Redeemer. My friend and THE lover of my soul. And as I rose up from the water, a lightness settled on my shoulders, as joy overflowed from my heart and tears welled in my eyes. All the shame, and the guilt. The darkness, the pain, the fear, and feelings of inadequacy. All of that has been washed away. I can finally don the garments of purity and love with assurance and pride in my King.

I wish that my family and my friends could have rejoiced in this moment with me, but I feel confident that His Spirit was prompting me to be bold in my obedience and lay down my careful calculating, judging self and embrace the radical life He is calling me to. Now the trick is to live this out each day, and remember that I am dead to sin and this world. I am so thankful He does not leave me to figure out who to do that alone!

I'm simply in awe. Lord, let me forever be in awe of you.

"Sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow."

A Blessed Lamentation.

College.  This is the time of my life that I have been dreaming about forever, and it’s here. It’s been here for the past two months, and I love it. It’s better than I could have ever imagined, and believe me, I sure imagined.  I can distinctly remember being in the fifth grade, and playing make-believe with a little girl friend of mine. What were we pretending to be? College girls and we were trying to emulate the “college girl” dress and attitude that was modeled for us through television and Mary-Kate and Ashley. Or once again as a rebellious fifteen year old vying for the day I could escape the oppressive hold of my staunch parents. Then six months ago that reality sunk in, and the “oppressive” parents I longed to rid myself of now were the parents I desperately clung to. Needless to say, the college I imagined was vastly different from the college I am experiencing, and in all the right ways. I thought that once I finally made it to college I would THEN be satisfied with where I was, but once again, I sometimes find myself attempting to live in the future. What classes should I take next semester, and the one after that? What will I do once I graduate and where will I live? When will I meet my future husband? All of these unnecessary anxieties cloud my ability to enjoy the present. Timely enough, my daily devotion, Jesus Calling, reminded me that when I feel anxiety based on my future it is because I am picturing my future without the comfort and protection of the Lord. I need to remember He will be with me wherever I go, temporally and locationally speaking. That is easier said than done, at least for me. And even after realizing that, I still find myself wondering when will I be satisfied? I must embrace each moment with gratitude and cherish it for the gift that it is. And after all, worrying never did add a moment to my life!

More need truth today: Lamentations 3:22-26. I knew that I loved these verses but had forgotten why until just yesterday. Let me share the gripping words of Jeremiah “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion therefore I will wait for Him.’ The Lord is good to those whose help is in Him, to the one who seeks Him. It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.” Those verses just nailed me right in the heart. How perfect are the Lord’s words, and how applicable! That was written over 2500 years ago…whoa. Being so captivated by these words I whipped out my handy-dandy immense Bible required for my Bible class and looked these up along with the notes and commentary (This Bible is massive!). I was really intrigued by the repeated use of the word “good” so I looked at the note for  verse 25 and it led me to Psalm 34:8 which lead me to Psalm 1:1. As I flipped through page after page, my impatient self began to get slightly perturbed by my goose chase until it struck me: This passage is so rooted in Scripture, that I have to dig halfway to China to find where it starts! Now that’s awesome; I love how the same powerful themes are woven all throughout Scripture, New and Old Testament. Arriving in Psalm 1:1 I found that the original meaning of “good” is “blessed” which is defined as the happy condition of those who revere the Lord and do His will. Well I’ll be.

As I continued to look at this passage, I realized yet another note about Lamentations 3. It was originally written as an acrostic poem, with the verses of each stanza beginning with the successive letters of the Hebrew alphabet. Now if that’s not cool I don’t know what is! And so, my fascination with yet another incredibly useful, applicable in everyday life, language has deepened (as if Latin wasn’t enough).

I will try to wait upon the Lord and I will fail but thankfully He has new mercies for me each and every new day.

Be אֶשֶׁר. (that’s blessed in Hebrew!!!!)  (:

The Grand Experiment

Since childhood I have loved to perform for an audience. I would stand in the window of my great-grandmother’s house behind the sheer white floor-to-ceiling curtains saying “Prreesssennntiinggg!” and pop out from behind for the applause of anyone that I had cajoled into standing still for thirty seconds. As I grew older, my performance genre shifted from the stage to the classroom. Even to this day I am seeking to impress my parents with my grades, and any future critic (those frightening Med school admissions personnel…eek.) While there are obvious positives to this near obsession, the greater problem arises when it bleeds over into my personal life. Plainly said, I’m a people pleaser, and often I find myself  thriving on positive affirmation. And thus the plot thickens. As long as I continue to strive to please other people, I am making them my lord. Let me tell you this is a merciless master.

And how does this have much relevance? My concern is that this blog will morph into another outlet for me to seek affirmation from other people while simultaneously feeding the ugly monster within…aka my pride, spawn of insecurity.  As long as I seek to build myself up, I can never be wholeheartedly serving the Lord, for one cannot serve two masters.  Thus this could be a very short-lived endeavor. The Grand Experiment.

My hope is that I will be able to sort through some of the jumble of thoughts that are bound to be cluttering my mind at any given moment, and be able to eject them into something that is semi-productive. I am praying that the Lord can be glorified through my mess. He’s done it before, and I believe He is great enough to do it again!

*Random side note: At both church services I attended yesterday (at two different churches of different denominations) this same verse  was read, and I think that it is necessary to share today! "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble."-Psalm 46:1. Be encouraged for the Lord is greater than every trouble we may face, and He has already overcome the world!

Blessings :)

Numbered.

My grains are numbered.  I know not how long I will be blessed with life on this beautiful Earth, and only the Lord knows when the sand of my hourglass will cease to flow. But recently I have been extremely convicted of making each day, each moment count. And not just count for me. Count for Him and His Kingdom. I cannot say that I have succeeded in living this out. That’s probably why the conviction lingers on.

Being honest, I really do not like this feeling of conviction. I would much rather subscribe to a relaxed, fun centered  view of life compared to the radical and uncomfortable  life that Christ is calling me and all of His disciples to live. So often I find myself in awe of Him and the great sacrifice that He has made for ALL people, myself included. But it lasts only momentarily until some other fleeting Earthly thing grabs my affection. This is an affliction. I am not okay with this. But what do I do? When I start asking the question the rich man asked of Jesus, “How do I get to Heaven” I am still met with the same response that he was met with “Sell everything and follow Me.” That’s some heavy stuff. I call myself a “little Christ” but does my life truly reflect that? I think not. Christ dined with the corrupt, and laid hands on the lepers. He stood up for the prostitutes and those who lived lives full of shame. He invited the rejected into His everlasting Kingdom. And I cant even find it in me to ask a lonely aquaintance to eat with me. There went a grain, wasted.

I know that my Jesus extends grace and mercy to sinners. That much is evident by His words AND His actions. But I am done making an excuse for myself out of His forgiveness. I am ready to make my numbered grains count for something. This is my journey.