messy.

When I want to be, I am an incredibly neat and organized person. Each thing has its place. And I am such a  performance based person. Can you say type a? I really like things to go my way. I like control. And I like the security that calling all the shots brings. I know what I am going to do and when I'm going to do it. I like plans. And I like lists. People don't always (okay, ever) follow my plans. And I find it so frustrating at times when people don't fit into my mold. And thus I am tempted to shirk away in my irritation, and revert back to my  comfortable cave of control. Of course they're wrong. The thing is, people are variables, and they don't always fit into my equation to make my perfect result. They're kind of messy. And kind of frustrating. And kind of essential to my life. And maybe the fundamental problem is not their uncooperative nature, but rather my trying to force them into my plan like trying to force a puzzle piece in the wrong place. And my prideful, egocentric attitude towards my brothers and sisters in Christ.

Relationships are messy. They require trust and vulnerability, and require relinquishing control. That's really uncomfortable for me sometimes, but who would I be without them? Alone. The implications of that single word are gut-wrenching. No smiles, no hugs, no laughter over a warm cup of coffee, no holding hands, no dancing, no warmth. No LOVE. All of those things make my world spin around. What would I be willing to give up  a wee bit more control?

Holding hands while shopping in Target, and dancing around the kitchen with this chickadee...?

The most perfect picnics in late summer...? Maybe  I could live without the car ride that followed ;)

What about this girl?  It wasn't in my plan to sit next to her in anatomy and become best friends in the course of a few weeks. Maybe I'm not actually in control...

Or the surprise visits from her, just when I really needed it the most? Not in my plan either... but I loved every moment of it.

Or trying to cram too many people on a single blanket just to enjoy a perfect afternoon...?

Crazy study breaks that actually last longer than the study sessions?

Friendships that span language and international borders...?

Coffee dates with these beauties that fill my stomach and my heart...?

The bunches of sweet girls who fill my dorm and my days with laughter?

Would I be willing to squander a beautiful family just to have things go my way?

None of those people who fill my life with laughter, joy and love are truly more important to me than things going according to my plans. Yes, relationships can really suck but I'm convinced the benefits outweigh possible hurt. And maybe the messiest thing in my life is not in fact the relationships that surround me but rather my heart and my unhealthy desire to be in control. I guess the fact of the matter is I AM NOT IN CONTROL ANYWAYS! And while I have the compulsive need to plan and list, the best things come when I let go and let God take the reigns. Maybe He is a better planner than me, He sure has been doing it longer. 

Here's the truth: I'm just as messy as the rest of them, and maybe I should just breathe deep and embrace it. 

(my favorite picture...ever)

Abba, help me to let you truly be the Lord of my life. Be my everything. Humble me. I surrender all.