Glass.

September 22. Ethos. The beginning of the latest lesson God has been oh so clearly attempting to teach me. It's a lesson I am not so sure what to do with; it's radical.

Suffering. What if suffering has a purpose, it's not just happenstance? What if the suffering of one is to bring joy to another? What if suffering serves to make transform us into men and women of strength, men and women with depth, with character? I think to myself of course this must be true. Check out the New Testament, time and again Paul says we are "refined through the fire" "and we should rejoice in our trials for we know they are good for us and develop endurance which leads to strength of character and expectation of salvation. While I know this in my head, I truly wonder if I let it permeate my heart. So often I find myself making plans to avoid suffering and live my life from a place of comfort. The majority of choices I make lead me not towards Christ but rather towards comfort.

Nonetheless, God has been showing me that suffering is unavoidable. Within the past 3 weeks, the real lives of so multiple people have been revealed to me. And it is clear that no one, NO ONE, is immune to hardship, trial, and pain. We are all broken. Shattered like glass. And yet, I find freedom in knowing that I am not alone in suffering. I am not alone in having experienced hardship. Strangely enough,  I am beginning to desire the freedom that comes with being real over the demands that come with trying to  have it all together. The broken pieces of our lives are strangely beautiful. It seems to me that God allows us to be broken, so that He can restore and redeem us. He can take the shards and create something majestically beautiful if only we entrust our brokenness into the hands of our Creator.

It's like a stained glass window. Alone the fragments are beautiful but incomplete. When each fragment is seen within the whole pane, as light shines through, it makes sense. It is glorious. He is weaving together our broken pieces, colored by different trials, into His story. Alone our piece is beautiful, a picture of redemption, but when joined with others in the context of salvation, it is Holy.

Lord help me not to flee suffering. Help me to choose You and Your way above my own. Give me sight beyond myself and my right now. Anchor my soul and bind my wandering heart to Thee. 

Home.

Limbo. So it seems that we meet yet again. This is my least favorite place. I find that I belong everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Even the cliche "home is where the heart is" does me no good. My own heart  has taken up residency everywhere and nowhere. I long to be back at Lipscomb, journeying on toward my future goal of becoming a physician's assistant, and rekindling all the wonderful friendships that I made over the past year. And maybe just maybe, I'm looking forward to seeing my sweet boyfriend more than just once a month. I'm excited to be back with my roommate (she is a saint to say the least) and  share a room with someone other than a 6 year old insistent upon sleeping in my bed, horizontally. While my heart yearns to be walking the perfectly manicured Lipscomb campus, I simultaneously resist. I long to be here too. I love the comfort of being in my home, the same home I've been living in for the past ten years. I love how the stairs creak when you walk down them and I can instantly tell who is coming down by the sound it makes. I love my wonderful daddy's hugs and his genuine pleasure when I cook a good dinner. I love my momma's quick wit and her spontaneous phone calls inviting me too lunch not too mention her uncanny ability to warm even the coldest of feet in her "oven". That that bed stealing munchkin, well I guess you could say I love her too, maybe a little. I even love Jake, all bickering aside. I am abundantly blessed and my cup overflows. However, at the risk of sounding like a complainer, I must admit the richness of all the relationships in my life, makes it hard to be in just one place, to define home. It seems that just as soon as I begin to settle down, and establish normalcy (or establish the understanding of morning vs. funny vs. malicious snarkiness with my mom...the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, just sayin) it is time to change and establish a new normal.

The inevitable must occur; tomorrow morning despite my warring emotions, I return to Nashville. However, I am certainly thankful this second go-around has been significantly less traumatic (a year ago, I needed to be sedated...you think I'm kidding and boosted the economy with my Kleenex consumption).  As I begin to pack my life away into duffle bags, rubbermaid totes, and produce boxes courtesy of Ingles (my brother knows people...) the feeling is all too bittersweet. I have been struck time and again by the question "How many more times will I do this?" How many more times will I clutter the dining room with my absurd amount of belongings I time and again attempt to cram into half a 12x14 room? How long will this "limbo" phase last? My heart is torn between so many places. As uncomfortable as it is now, I know it is right. I have finally grasped that it IS age appropriate (mom, you better be so proud!) And while I long to be in the comforting arms of my family and within the familiar frame of my childhood home, that is not what God has for me in this season. No matter where I forever remain the daughter of my ever-loving parents, and the daughter of my ever-lasting, never-failing Abba. Though I may feel like a wandering nomad, I am home in Him. 

"A right time for birth and another for death, a right time to plant and another to reap, a right time to kill and another to heal,a right time to destroy and another to construct, a right time to cry and another to laugh, a right time to lament and another to cheer, a right time to make love and another to abstain, a right time to embrace and another to part, a right time to search and another to count your losses, a right time to hold on and another to let go, a right time to rip out and another to mend, a right time to shut up and another to speak up, a right time to love and another to hate, a right time to wage war and another to make peace." -Ecclesiastes 3:2-8

The Hard Questions.

I know that when I am jolted from sleep tomorrow by the incessant and horrid blare of my alarm waking me up to go to Diversity and Ecology, I am going to deeply regret staying up so late to write this, but it's just one of those days. There is so much that is on my heart and racing through my mind. With such a busy schedule, I find it hard to steal away moments to stop and think. Is this good or bad? I don't know. One the one hand, it keeps me from over analyzing everything and stops anxiety (I'm convinced that a lot of my struggles begin in my thoughts...) but on the other hand, these emotions and thoughts unrelated to school work are shoved way down deep. They're gonna explode eventually, and it'll be messy. Like taking the lid off of a sewer with a lot of pressure built up. Crap will spew.

I am so prone to the latter, the "stuffing", but when I do that, my crap always spews on those who really don't deserve having that heaped on them. I always seem to let out my frustration on those who I love the most. Why do I end up hurting the ones that I love and the ones who love ME? And why do I give so much more importance to the opinions of those who don't care about me at all?

I think part of the reason I am so prone to the stuffing method, is that it a) allows me not to deal with the ugly stuff b) sometimes those thoughts/emotions seems so insignificant. Why do I spend so much time planning out my future life on Pinterest, stalking people I don't know on Facebook, and ...drum roll please...BOYS. Look, they even creeped into my blog post. But truly. Why do I spend so much time and energy fixated on guys, analyzing their every word or action. WHY? There are people out there who are starving. There are people being sold into slavery. Children are being abused. Women are selling their bodies to men to put food on the table.  I went to a simulcast of a Christine Camp video from Passion 2012 last week and she spoke on human trafficking. Possibly the most heart wrenching thing she said in her entire speech was the story of an encounter with a recently rescued victim of trafficking. Christine was sharing the Gospel with another rescued girl, and the recently rescued girl overheard her speaking. She asked Christine this one simple question: if what you say is true, why didn't you come sooner. That phrase haunts me. My answer: I was too caught up in myself and trying to analyze what a text "really meant." That's the truth my friends. And it disgusts me.

The more and more that I read Scripture, and learn about Jesus in my classes, the more that I realize that I am falling so short of what Jesus has called me as a disciple. However, God does not NEED meet to complete His plans, he WANTS me but does not need me, so in reality, I am only short changing myself  from living the best life possible. Why is this only head knowledge and not heart knowledge? As I was thinking about this earlier, I was wondering what I expected to find when I read my Bible. Why was it so suprising to me that I still have so much room to grow? And furthermore, I wonder if I need more help than those who do not know Jesus. I claim to know Jesus, though I am discovering I am still very uniformed, and claim him to be the Lord of my life, yet I am not sure that is evident through my life. Maybe in my thoughts, not always in my deeds. But those who do not know Christ do not know that God has called them to something different. So they don't change. I know and I don't change. If you don't know the rules and you break them, then you are wrong but it's understandable. If you do know the rules, and continue to violate them, it's bad. Real bad. It's blatant disregard. It's inexcusable. It's my life.

Lord, help me to know your ways and WALK in them. Truly be the center of my life where my heart is oriented, and don't let those words be empty lyrics to a church song. Help me to be the hands and feet. Teach me. Break my heart. Tear down my pride. I need you. 

Looking Back. Looking Forward. (I stole this title from church today...)

It's 2012 baayyybeee...better live it up because the end of the world is coming. Kidding. No really. Today has been a beautiful start to the new year, and sitting here I am amazed at the bajillion things I have somehow managed to shove into the past 24 hours. Last night I rang in the new year with two friends in Market Square where we watched intoxicated people act a fool and the super-legit ball drop, not. All complaints aside, it was a good way to celebrate, though I've decided I'm slightly partial to my couch and Dick Clark for my celebration...livin' on the edge! After catching a few z's me and the fam went to church. We celebrated the Lord's Supper and talked about looking back and looking forward. As Jon preached, I was overwhelmed by the memories of all that has filled my past year. And painfully remembered where I was exactly a year ago. One year ago today, I was in a fight with my ex-boyfriend, and only to have him gouge a deeper wound within the coming days and deepen the depression I already was battling daily. While those memories are painful to recount even still, I can look back on them with a new perspective. And joyously proclaim that while  January, February and even parts of March were tear-filled, dark days, the Lord was  faithful to me. TODAY when I look back I am reminded of Psalm 23:4 "Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and staff they comfort me." And looking forward I know that I can cling to that promise. Life is going to be filled with it's hardships, of that I am positive, however the Lord will be there too. 

 2011 was filled with so many other beautiful things, pain and suffering, yes. But those things only served to highlight the beautiful things. Graduation from high school. Going to Guatemala. All the lasting friendships from that trip that mean so incredibly much to me. Josue coming to the States. Sophia's first day of Kindergarten. Moving to Nashville. Going to Lipscomb.  Making new friends. Spontaneous adventures. Seeing Hillsong United. Seeing Taylor Swift. My first all-nighter. Being baptized. Turning 19. Coming home on breaks and battling with the pain of the stringy cheese strands. 2011's been a roller coaster. hahahaha And I can't expect 2012 to be any different. 

I'd be breaking every cliche rule to not publicize a list of resolutions (and I'm not that counter-culture yet, the hipsters of Nashville haven't converted me that much..) So 2012 let's go!

1. Be REAL. So often in my life I find myself trying to be so many things for so many people, and its so hard. I just want to be the Sam that God has created me to be instead of manufacturing myself to conform to the unending demands of people, or more accurately the demands I place on myself to be everything to everybody.  Coupled with this, I want to love myself more (in a non-narcissitic way) and view myself more and more as a valued, precious, BEAUTIFUL daughter of God.I need to accept myself as a real person who is allowed to make mistakes and struggle and have bad days. And feel free to express that just as express happiness. Both emotions need to be let out, or I might explode. So I am going to be more real and transparent with LIFE, the good the bad and the ugly...RIGHT HERE. 

2. Be more outgoing. This can't be accomplished without a healthy self-image, and not afraid of the judgements or seeking affirmations in others (which in reality is just me projecting what I THINK they MUST think about me...maybe if I wake-up with mind reading abilities one morning that'll work out for me.) 

3. Fall deeper and deeper in love with Christ. Maybe this should be number one, but here's my justification: It is an on-going for life resolution and I don't believe I will ever accomplish it to either my or Jesus's satisfaction (my type a personality wants a tangible goal to put first just so I have a hope of checking #1 off.) More than being #1, this resolution might be the biggest one for me to unpack. I have been really struggling each time I sing any song that states anything about God being "everything". I feel like that is so true in so many ways that I can't even comprehend, but not truth that I seek enough. And I am still living in my own self-sufficiency, which is truly exhausting, and a result of my trust/vulnerability issues (tackle that next year maybe?) I want to count Jesus as my everything, but I am not there yet. No where close. And this resolution bleeds over into relationships. I am celebrating one year of singleness, and truly reveling in that. While that may not seem like too much of an accomplishment, to me it is. And so I am celebrating! Mostly on the inside... But the resolution part of that is going for another year. I want my heart to fully belong to my First Love before I attempt another relationship. I am too ADD right now, already bombarded by distractions from every direction. And I want to be able to fully love that person in the future in the way that they should be loved. I am waiting. And I am excited!

4. Form meaningful friendships and maintain the one's I already have. Over the past week, I have been moved by the rarity of the friendships that I have with people that God has placed in my life, and I am so thankful. I want to give those beautiful friends the friendship that they deserve, and love them with all I am. And I so long to make more of those friendships. 

5. Be able to run at least 3 miles all at once. No explanation needed...

That's all I can think of at the moment, but should be enough to get me started (; 

messy.

When I want to be, I am an incredibly neat and organized person. Each thing has its place. And I am such a  performance based person. Can you say type a? I really like things to go my way. I like control. And I like the security that calling all the shots brings. I know what I am going to do and when I'm going to do it. I like plans. And I like lists. People don't always (okay, ever) follow my plans. And I find it so frustrating at times when people don't fit into my mold. And thus I am tempted to shirk away in my irritation, and revert back to my  comfortable cave of control. Of course they're wrong. The thing is, people are variables, and they don't always fit into my equation to make my perfect result. They're kind of messy. And kind of frustrating. And kind of essential to my life. And maybe the fundamental problem is not their uncooperative nature, but rather my trying to force them into my plan like trying to force a puzzle piece in the wrong place. And my prideful, egocentric attitude towards my brothers and sisters in Christ.

Relationships are messy. They require trust and vulnerability, and require relinquishing control. That's really uncomfortable for me sometimes, but who would I be without them? Alone. The implications of that single word are gut-wrenching. No smiles, no hugs, no laughter over a warm cup of coffee, no holding hands, no dancing, no warmth. No LOVE. All of those things make my world spin around. What would I be willing to give up  a wee bit more control?

Holding hands while shopping in Target, and dancing around the kitchen with this chickadee...?

The most perfect picnics in late summer...? Maybe  I could live without the car ride that followed ;)

What about this girl?  It wasn't in my plan to sit next to her in anatomy and become best friends in the course of a few weeks. Maybe I'm not actually in control...

Or the surprise visits from her, just when I really needed it the most? Not in my plan either... but I loved every moment of it.

Or trying to cram too many people on a single blanket just to enjoy a perfect afternoon...?

Crazy study breaks that actually last longer than the study sessions?

Friendships that span language and international borders...?

Coffee dates with these beauties that fill my stomach and my heart...?

The bunches of sweet girls who fill my dorm and my days with laughter?

Would I be willing to squander a beautiful family just to have things go my way?

None of those people who fill my life with laughter, joy and love are truly more important to me than things going according to my plans. Yes, relationships can really suck but I'm convinced the benefits outweigh possible hurt. And maybe the messiest thing in my life is not in fact the relationships that surround me but rather my heart and my unhealthy desire to be in control. I guess the fact of the matter is I AM NOT IN CONTROL ANYWAYS! And while I have the compulsive need to plan and list, the best things come when I let go and let God take the reigns. Maybe He is a better planner than me, He sure has been doing it longer. 

Here's the truth: I'm just as messy as the rest of them, and maybe I should just breathe deep and embrace it. 

(my favorite picture...ever)

Abba, help me to let you truly be the Lord of my life. Be my everything. Humble me. I surrender all.

Crazy Like a Fox.

I've been home on break for nearly a week now, and I'd have to say I might've learned some greater lessons in that short span than in all semester in some of my classes. It's the real stuff. The lessons that don't leave me asking when am I EVER going to use that in real life, because it IS real life. But of course no good lesson ever happens without a teacher. My teacher doesn't take off her "teacher hat" when she leaves Farragut Primary. I'm pretty sure she was born with it on and she never takes it off. This week my teacher, aka mom, has taught me more about what it means to be a real godly woman than I could ever have ascertained on my own.

My mom is that lady, you all know one like her, who knows a good deal and when she sees it, she pounces. I always look at her a little bewildered and think when are you ever going to really use that, you're crazy. This week, her crazy purchases have saved our hineys a good dozen times. And each time she's looked at me and said "I'm crazy all right, crazy like a fox."

She's the lady who's friends with all my friends and never hesitates to welcome them on over to our house stating "Mi casa es su casa!" She also forgets that I don't understand her when she whispers little Spanish phrases to me so my sister can't understand... secret's out Sophia: I don't understand either! And she's the beautiful woman who notices admirable qualities in people and makes sure that they know she is proud of them.

My mom, the teacher who never stops teaching, takes her teaching job beyond the borders of the classroom teaching not only her children what it means to be a good person, but teaching her students the same. She takes good care of her "families." And goes out of her way to take care of her students' families needs just like she takes care of her own. She lives out the Gospel in a way that I can only theorize, and the best part about it...it just comes natural to her.

My mom has been the fortitude of strength that I have needed throughout my life, and has the story of a fighter like none other. She has taught me through her stories, and through her daily what it means to truly cherish the important things, to work hard and the value love and respect. I am so proud of the great mother that I have and so thankful for the time I get to spend with her this break.

Giving Thanks

I am so thankful to be home this Thanksgiving for TEN WHOLE DAYS! I didn't realize how much I needed that time until I got home. I am so thankful for many things, but I'll share a few:
1. Food that is made with love
2. The ability to burn candles (illegal in the dorms...not cool, but safe...I suppose)
3. Baths (not showers where you have to wear sandals)
4. Getting to hug my family whenever I want how ever much I want. It makes me so happy just to see my mom's face each morning, and to snuggle up with my daddy. I never realized how much I valued them until I didn't get to see them everyday. And of course my rascally little sister, who has become so inquisitive and increasingly literate since I saw her a month ago! It's kinda crazy to see the things I am learning in psychology pan out right before my very eyes in her. And my brother. Gotta love that kid...and he reminds me of the mess I was when I was 16...which makes me thankful that some of those messages my mom beat me over the head with finally sunk in and I'm so better for it.

So some of the things that I am thankful for are trivial (like the whole candles thing...) and truly I am thankful for Lipscomb and even the food, which is pretty good and hey, it keeps me alive. And when the showers that have the best water pressure and heat are all full, and I have to use the not as good ones, I am reminded that I MUST be thankful that I can take a shower each day, even multiple times a day. This is a commodity not afforded to the majority of the world's population. I am thankful for all of the things above, but tonight, I am especially overwhelmed with thankfulness for the Lord's faithfulness, to me, his frail daughter.

As the holidays have approached, memories of last year's struggles during this time have surfaced. I remember my frightened, hurt and broken self all to well. For too many days, and far too many nights, even after breaking through the thick of it, I have wrestled with frustration and guilt over those all those rough days. However, a little something has been stirring inside me to look on that struggle with fresh eyes. I may never have the answer to my many questions that can ultimately be boiled down to a single "why", but I can choose to praise YHWH for pulling me through. And holding me in His tight embrace even as I thrashed around trying to run away, cursing His name. Thinking like this brings glory to His name, and fills my heart with love for Him. Right now, I am amazed that he would care so much for me, and how that speaks such volumes of how my Abba views me as His precious daughter.

I realize how much I have grown and matured in the past year, and I am astounded. Even in the past six months. I praise the Lord for continuing to finish the good work he began in me, just like He said He would. The Lord, our God, our Father, our Rock, The Mighty Lion of Judah, our Redeemer IS FAITHFUL.

As I look at the work He has done in me over this short time, I am excited to see what He will continue to do in the future. And remembering His faithfulness eases my sometimes overbearing anxiety. Maybe the antidote to worry is thanksgiving? Seems like something that might just be worth trying.

"Devote yourselves to prayer with an alert mind and a thankful heart." Colossians 4:2