It's 2012 baayyybeee...better live it up because the end of the world is coming. Kidding. No really. Today has been a beautiful start to the new year, and sitting here I am amazed at the bajillion things I have somehow managed to shove into the past 24 hours. Last night I rang in the new year with two friends in Market Square where we watched intoxicated people act a fool and the super-legit ball drop, not. All complaints aside, it was a good way to celebrate, though I've decided I'm slightly partial to my couch and Dick Clark for my celebration...livin' on the edge! After catching a few z's me and the fam went to church. We celebrated the Lord's Supper and talked about looking back and looking forward. As Jon preached, I was overwhelmed by the memories of all that has filled my past year. And painfully remembered where I was exactly a year ago. One year ago today, I was in a fight with my ex-boyfriend, and only to have him gouge a deeper wound within the coming days and deepen the depression I already was battling daily. While those memories are painful to recount even still, I can look back on them with a new perspective. And joyously proclaim that while January, February and even parts of March were tear-filled, dark days, the Lord was faithful to me. TODAY when I look back I am reminded of Psalm 23:4 "Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and staff they comfort me." And looking forward I know that I can cling to that promise. Life is going to be filled with it's hardships, of that I am positive, however the Lord will be there too.
2011 was filled with so many other beautiful things, pain and suffering, yes. But those things only served to highlight the beautiful things. Graduation from high school. Going to Guatemala. All the lasting friendships from that trip that mean so incredibly much to me. Josue coming to the States. Sophia's first day of Kindergarten. Moving to Nashville. Going to Lipscomb. Making new friends. Spontaneous adventures. Seeing Hillsong United. Seeing Taylor Swift. My first all-nighter. Being baptized. Turning 19. Coming home on breaks and battling with the pain of the stringy cheese strands. 2011's been a roller coaster. hahahaha And I can't expect 2012 to be any different.
I'd be breaking every cliche rule to not publicize a list of resolutions (and I'm not that counter-culture yet, the hipsters of Nashville haven't converted me that much..) So 2012 let's go!
1. Be REAL. So often in my life I find myself trying to be so many things for so many people, and its so hard. I just want to be the Sam that God has created me to be instead of manufacturing myself to conform to the unending demands of people, or more accurately the demands I place on myself to be everything to everybody. Coupled with this, I want to love myself more (in a non-narcissitic way) and view myself more and more as a valued, precious, BEAUTIFUL daughter of God.I need to accept myself as a real person who is allowed to make mistakes and struggle and have bad days. And feel free to express that just as express happiness. Both emotions need to be let out, or I might explode. So I am going to be more real and transparent with LIFE, the good the bad and the ugly...RIGHT HERE.
2. Be more outgoing. This can't be accomplished without a healthy self-image, and not afraid of the judgements or seeking affirmations in others (which in reality is just me projecting what I THINK they MUST think about me...maybe if I wake-up with mind reading abilities one morning that'll work out for me.)
3. Fall deeper and deeper in love with Christ. Maybe this should be number one, but here's my justification: It is an on-going for life resolution and I don't believe I will ever accomplish it to either my or Jesus's satisfaction (my type a personality wants a tangible goal to put first just so I have a hope of checking #1 off.) More than being #1, this resolution might be the biggest one for me to unpack. I have been really struggling each time I sing any song that states anything about God being "everything". I feel like that is so true in so many ways that I can't even comprehend, but not truth that I seek enough. And I am still living in my own self-sufficiency, which is truly exhausting, and a result of my trust/vulnerability issues (tackle that next year maybe?) I want to count Jesus as my everything, but I am not there yet. No where close. And this resolution bleeds over into relationships. I am celebrating one year of singleness, and truly reveling in that. While that may not seem like too much of an accomplishment, to me it is. And so I am celebrating! Mostly on the inside... But the resolution part of that is going for another year. I want my heart to fully belong to my First Love before I attempt another relationship. I am too ADD right now, already bombarded by distractions from every direction. And I want to be able to fully love that person in the future in the way that they should be loved. I am waiting. And I am excited!
4. Form meaningful friendships and maintain the one's I already have. Over the past week, I have been moved by the rarity of the friendships that I have with people that God has placed in my life, and I am so thankful. I want to give those beautiful friends the friendship that they deserve, and love them with all I am. And I so long to make more of those friendships.
5. Be able to run at least 3 miles all at once. No explanation needed...
That's all I can think of at the moment, but should be enough to get me started (;
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