I know that when I am jolted from sleep tomorrow by the incessant and horrid blare of my alarm waking me up to go to Diversity and Ecology, I am going to deeply regret staying up so late to write this, but it's just one of those days. There is so much that is on my heart and racing through my mind. With such a busy schedule, I find it hard to steal away moments to stop and think. Is this good or bad? I don't know. One the one hand, it keeps me from over analyzing everything and stops anxiety (I'm convinced that a lot of my struggles begin in my thoughts...) but on the other hand, these emotions and thoughts unrelated to school work are shoved way down deep. They're gonna explode eventually, and it'll be messy. Like taking the lid off of a sewer with a lot of pressure built up. Crap will spew.
I am so prone to the latter, the "stuffing", but when I do that, my crap always spews on those who really don't deserve having that heaped on them. I always seem to let out my frustration on those who I love the most. Why do I end up hurting the ones that I love and the ones who love ME? And why do I give so much more importance to the opinions of those who don't care about me at all?
I think part of the reason I am so prone to the stuffing method, is that it a) allows me not to deal with the ugly stuff b) sometimes those thoughts/emotions seems so insignificant. Why do I spend so much time planning out my future life on Pinterest, stalking people I don't know on Facebook, and ...drum roll please...BOYS. Look, they even creeped into my blog post. But truly. Why do I spend so much time and energy fixated on guys, analyzing their every word or action. WHY? There are people out there who are starving. There are people being sold into slavery. Children are being abused. Women are selling their bodies to men to put food on the table. I went to a simulcast of a Christine Camp video from Passion 2012 last week and she spoke on human trafficking. Possibly the most heart wrenching thing she said in her entire speech was the story of an encounter with a recently rescued victim of trafficking. Christine was sharing the Gospel with another rescued girl, and the recently rescued girl overheard her speaking. She asked Christine this one simple question: if what you say is true, why didn't you come sooner. That phrase haunts me. My answer: I was too caught up in myself and trying to analyze what a text "really meant." That's the truth my friends. And it disgusts me.
The more and more that I read Scripture, and learn about Jesus in my classes, the more that I realize that I am falling so short of what Jesus has called me as a disciple. However, God does not NEED meet to complete His plans, he WANTS me but does not need me, so in reality, I am only short changing myself from living the best life possible. Why is this only head knowledge and not heart knowledge? As I was thinking about this earlier, I was wondering what I expected to find when I read my Bible. Why was it so suprising to me that I still have so much room to grow? And furthermore, I wonder if I need more help than those who do not know Jesus. I claim to know Jesus, though I am discovering I am still very uniformed, and claim him to be the Lord of my life, yet I am not sure that is evident through my life. Maybe in my thoughts, not always in my deeds. But those who do not know Christ do not know that God has called them to something different. So they don't change. I know and I don't change. If you don't know the rules and you break them, then you are wrong but it's understandable. If you do know the rules, and continue to violate them, it's bad. Real bad. It's blatant disregard. It's inexcusable. It's my life.
Lord, help me to know your ways and WALK in them. Truly be the center of my life where my heart is oriented, and don't let those words be empty lyrics to a church song. Help me to be the hands and feet. Teach me. Break my heart. Tear down my pride. I need you.
I am so prone to the latter, the "stuffing", but when I do that, my crap always spews on those who really don't deserve having that heaped on them. I always seem to let out my frustration on those who I love the most. Why do I end up hurting the ones that I love and the ones who love ME? And why do I give so much more importance to the opinions of those who don't care about me at all?
I think part of the reason I am so prone to the stuffing method, is that it a) allows me not to deal with the ugly stuff b) sometimes those thoughts/emotions seems so insignificant. Why do I spend so much time planning out my future life on Pinterest, stalking people I don't know on Facebook, and ...drum roll please...BOYS. Look, they even creeped into my blog post. But truly. Why do I spend so much time and energy fixated on guys, analyzing their every word or action. WHY? There are people out there who are starving. There are people being sold into slavery. Children are being abused. Women are selling their bodies to men to put food on the table. I went to a simulcast of a Christine Camp video from Passion 2012 last week and she spoke on human trafficking. Possibly the most heart wrenching thing she said in her entire speech was the story of an encounter with a recently rescued victim of trafficking. Christine was sharing the Gospel with another rescued girl, and the recently rescued girl overheard her speaking. She asked Christine this one simple question: if what you say is true, why didn't you come sooner. That phrase haunts me. My answer: I was too caught up in myself and trying to analyze what a text "really meant." That's the truth my friends. And it disgusts me.
The more and more that I read Scripture, and learn about Jesus in my classes, the more that I realize that I am falling so short of what Jesus has called me as a disciple. However, God does not NEED meet to complete His plans, he WANTS me but does not need me, so in reality, I am only short changing myself from living the best life possible. Why is this only head knowledge and not heart knowledge? As I was thinking about this earlier, I was wondering what I expected to find when I read my Bible. Why was it so suprising to me that I still have so much room to grow? And furthermore, I wonder if I need more help than those who do not know Jesus. I claim to know Jesus, though I am discovering I am still very uniformed, and claim him to be the Lord of my life, yet I am not sure that is evident through my life. Maybe in my thoughts, not always in my deeds. But those who do not know Christ do not know that God has called them to something different. So they don't change. I know and I don't change. If you don't know the rules and you break them, then you are wrong but it's understandable. If you do know the rules, and continue to violate them, it's bad. Real bad. It's blatant disregard. It's inexcusable. It's my life.
Lord, help me to know your ways and WALK in them. Truly be the center of my life where my heart is oriented, and don't let those words be empty lyrics to a church song. Help me to be the hands and feet. Teach me. Break my heart. Tear down my pride. I need you.
