Yearning.

So right now I SHOULD be reading a book for my Seminar class...well I was supposed to read that over fall break, but that didn't exactly happen, mostly because I was reading the other two books my teacher assigned. He's a hoot. But why can't I read? So much is on my heart right now, and I think back to the simply gorgeous day that I got to experience. Some days I'm just so amazed by life itself. Today I had 20 minutes before my lab, so I grabbed my journal and ran out to the square to find a swing. I found one, and just listened to the world around me, and wrote "Lord, my heart delights in you and your creation. I hear the birds chirping in the distance. A beautiful melody unknown to me, but captivating in it's mystery." Just remembering this afternoon, I long to just sit and be still enjoying life. Enjoy the gentle breeze tickling the back of my neck with my hair. Enjoy the sweet warmth of the sun's glow kissing my cheeks as I soak up a beautiful fall day.


And while today had it's gorgeous moments, it also had some really tiring ones as well. As much peace filled my heart for that blissful 20 minutes, stress and frustration have equally held their share in my day. I need to remember that Jesus never promised that it'd be easy, but that he'd be there...through the good  the bad and even the ugly. He will uphold me by His right hand. I am precious and loved. While the waves of grace and mercy bring me to my knees in worship, this world often brings tears to my eyes. It is broken. I am broken. We are broken. We need Jesus.


The talented artist Misty Edwards (who secretly reads my journal and writes songs about it...) has many more eloquent words to describe my heart tonight and I'd like to share just one snippet with y'all... It's called "I am yours"


www.youtube.com/watch?v=iKpaDV7TGaU




Though I sleep, my heart is awake
Though It's night, on You I wait

(repeat)

It's been a long night, and I am weary
It's been a long time, and I am hungry
So I'll wait in the stillness again
I'll wait in the quiet again
For when I heard Your voice
When You said my name
When I heard Your voice
My heart it yearned

(repeat)

In the middle of the night
In the middle of the night
In the middle of the night
My heart it yearns

(repeat)

Though You're far away, still I'm here to say
I am Yours, I am Yours
And when You feel so far away, still I am here to say
I am Yours, I am Yours

(repeat)

And I pay my vows, no turning around
I burn the bridges that can't be found

(repeat)

For when I heard Your voice
And You said my name
When I heard Your voice
My heart it yearned
For You. 

So much is on my mind and my heart that I can't even form words for...tonight I am pressing into the truth that the Holy Spirit is interceding to the Father on my behalf.

I AM WASHED BY THE WATERS.

"You are dead to sin, and alive in Christ."

Where does this story even begin? Last night...? 2 years ago...? 10? 18? 2000? As I sit here thinking about that, I am beginning to lean towards the beginning of time, when the Lord said "Let there Be Light" and there was light. OR even maybe when He thought to create the world. How do I even begin to comprehend that? Maybe I should just start with last night...

Ethos Church. None can describe what I have experienced here. Each Sunday, I look forward to going to church, granted I try to be very mindful of my motivation in attendance. Do I go because, well that's what I do on Sunday night with all my friends. Or am I going because I WANT TO EXPERIENCE THE HEART OF GOD. Honestly, I vacillate between the two on a weekly basis, and am often confronted with judgement of motivation as I sit in the white fold-out chairs. Better late than never...? So how did I wind up at Ethos on October 23? With a dear friend from home. And another friend I am beginning to know, but I believe will become a dear friend before I leave Lipscomb. All the way back to school from fall break, we were pumped and my friend kept saying "Tonight is going to be so good." Little did we know.

On the way to church, we passed another precious friend who got into a car wreck on the way to church...he was supposed to ride with us. He was fine, but as we moved into worship, all I could think about was the sick feeling rooted in my gut (and my friend next to me's cologne...nice but kind of strong). It was a unique day at Ethos, celebrating their third birthday with 100% of the offering going to build wells in Ethiopia. And Baptism. In a horse trough.

Thankfully the Lord, captured the mind and the heart of his very distractable daughter, aka me, through the eloquent and challenging words of the pastor Dave. And I was struck by the very horrid and yet true image of Jesus on the cross with blood spilling out of his hands. I imagined the grains in the wood that his flesh was being pounded into. The ringing of the hammer against a nail. Blood running down His side, pouring from is hands. And who was the one murdering Him? Me and my sin. Little sweet innocent Sam, yeah ME. I am a redeemed murderer. Doesn't that make you want to hurl, because I feel sick once again. I want to know that love. I want to give that love.

 As we transitioned back into worship, Dave asked us to ask the Lord what He wanted from us. For me? Trust. Why is it so hard for me to trust God...like I could do it better on my own. But the thing is, I don't not WANT to trust God, it just seems at times to be contrary to my character. Which I guess it is, but I don't believe that it is beyond God's power of transformation. I have trust issues. Flat out. And unfortuately the wounds that lead me to not trust bleed over into my relationship with the only One worthy of trust. The only one who will never disappoint me, who will never forsake or abandon me. If I trust Him, I will obey. Because I want to learn to trust, I obeyed (it only took a minor heart attack to convince me though...kidding...halfway). I was struck by the thought that if I really loved Jesus like I profess I need to be willing to do anything and everything to live it out. And so I did what I have been meaning to do since that night two and a half years ago, when lying flat on my face, I realized that I NEEDED Jesus. I literally took a step of faith stepped and was baptized. But I was not alone, my sweet friend who had been saying how good tonight was going to be, well they dunked her too!

I can't begin to describe how freeing a simple act of dunking someone under the water, in a horse trough, in a bar was. No longer do I feel that gnawing feeling that I have left things undone, and have only lived out half of Jesus's commandment to repent and be baptized. I am free and whole in Him. I am "dead to sin and alive in Christ". That is unfathomable. How merciful and gracious is the King of Kings, and Lord Most High. My Savior and Redeemer. My friend and THE lover of my soul. And as I rose up from the water, a lightness settled on my shoulders, as joy overflowed from my heart and tears welled in my eyes. All the shame, and the guilt. The darkness, the pain, the fear, and feelings of inadequacy. All of that has been washed away. I can finally don the garments of purity and love with assurance and pride in my King.

I wish that my family and my friends could have rejoiced in this moment with me, but I feel confident that His Spirit was prompting me to be bold in my obedience and lay down my careful calculating, judging self and embrace the radical life He is calling me to. Now the trick is to live this out each day, and remember that I am dead to sin and this world. I am so thankful He does not leave me to figure out who to do that alone!

I'm simply in awe. Lord, let me forever be in awe of you.

"Sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow."

A Blessed Lamentation.

College.  This is the time of my life that I have been dreaming about forever, and it’s here. It’s been here for the past two months, and I love it. It’s better than I could have ever imagined, and believe me, I sure imagined.  I can distinctly remember being in the fifth grade, and playing make-believe with a little girl friend of mine. What were we pretending to be? College girls and we were trying to emulate the “college girl” dress and attitude that was modeled for us through television and Mary-Kate and Ashley. Or once again as a rebellious fifteen year old vying for the day I could escape the oppressive hold of my staunch parents. Then six months ago that reality sunk in, and the “oppressive” parents I longed to rid myself of now were the parents I desperately clung to. Needless to say, the college I imagined was vastly different from the college I am experiencing, and in all the right ways. I thought that once I finally made it to college I would THEN be satisfied with where I was, but once again, I sometimes find myself attempting to live in the future. What classes should I take next semester, and the one after that? What will I do once I graduate and where will I live? When will I meet my future husband? All of these unnecessary anxieties cloud my ability to enjoy the present. Timely enough, my daily devotion, Jesus Calling, reminded me that when I feel anxiety based on my future it is because I am picturing my future without the comfort and protection of the Lord. I need to remember He will be with me wherever I go, temporally and locationally speaking. That is easier said than done, at least for me. And even after realizing that, I still find myself wondering when will I be satisfied? I must embrace each moment with gratitude and cherish it for the gift that it is. And after all, worrying never did add a moment to my life!

More need truth today: Lamentations 3:22-26. I knew that I loved these verses but had forgotten why until just yesterday. Let me share the gripping words of Jeremiah “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion therefore I will wait for Him.’ The Lord is good to those whose help is in Him, to the one who seeks Him. It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.” Those verses just nailed me right in the heart. How perfect are the Lord’s words, and how applicable! That was written over 2500 years ago…whoa. Being so captivated by these words I whipped out my handy-dandy immense Bible required for my Bible class and looked these up along with the notes and commentary (This Bible is massive!). I was really intrigued by the repeated use of the word “good” so I looked at the note for  verse 25 and it led me to Psalm 34:8 which lead me to Psalm 1:1. As I flipped through page after page, my impatient self began to get slightly perturbed by my goose chase until it struck me: This passage is so rooted in Scripture, that I have to dig halfway to China to find where it starts! Now that’s awesome; I love how the same powerful themes are woven all throughout Scripture, New and Old Testament. Arriving in Psalm 1:1 I found that the original meaning of “good” is “blessed” which is defined as the happy condition of those who revere the Lord and do His will. Well I’ll be.

As I continued to look at this passage, I realized yet another note about Lamentations 3. It was originally written as an acrostic poem, with the verses of each stanza beginning with the successive letters of the Hebrew alphabet. Now if that’s not cool I don’t know what is! And so, my fascination with yet another incredibly useful, applicable in everyday life, language has deepened (as if Latin wasn’t enough).

I will try to wait upon the Lord and I will fail but thankfully He has new mercies for me each and every new day.

Be אֶשֶׁר. (that’s blessed in Hebrew!!!!)  (:

The Grand Experiment

Since childhood I have loved to perform for an audience. I would stand in the window of my great-grandmother’s house behind the sheer white floor-to-ceiling curtains saying “Prreesssennntiinggg!” and pop out from behind for the applause of anyone that I had cajoled into standing still for thirty seconds. As I grew older, my performance genre shifted from the stage to the classroom. Even to this day I am seeking to impress my parents with my grades, and any future critic (those frightening Med school admissions personnel…eek.) While there are obvious positives to this near obsession, the greater problem arises when it bleeds over into my personal life. Plainly said, I’m a people pleaser, and often I find myself  thriving on positive affirmation. And thus the plot thickens. As long as I continue to strive to please other people, I am making them my lord. Let me tell you this is a merciless master.

And how does this have much relevance? My concern is that this blog will morph into another outlet for me to seek affirmation from other people while simultaneously feeding the ugly monster within…aka my pride, spawn of insecurity.  As long as I seek to build myself up, I can never be wholeheartedly serving the Lord, for one cannot serve two masters.  Thus this could be a very short-lived endeavor. The Grand Experiment.

My hope is that I will be able to sort through some of the jumble of thoughts that are bound to be cluttering my mind at any given moment, and be able to eject them into something that is semi-productive. I am praying that the Lord can be glorified through my mess. He’s done it before, and I believe He is great enough to do it again!

*Random side note: At both church services I attended yesterday (at two different churches of different denominations) this same verse  was read, and I think that it is necessary to share today! "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble."-Psalm 46:1. Be encouraged for the Lord is greater than every trouble we may face, and He has already overcome the world!

Blessings :)

Numbered.

My grains are numbered.  I know not how long I will be blessed with life on this beautiful Earth, and only the Lord knows when the sand of my hourglass will cease to flow. But recently I have been extremely convicted of making each day, each moment count. And not just count for me. Count for Him and His Kingdom. I cannot say that I have succeeded in living this out. That’s probably why the conviction lingers on.

Being honest, I really do not like this feeling of conviction. I would much rather subscribe to a relaxed, fun centered  view of life compared to the radical and uncomfortable  life that Christ is calling me and all of His disciples to live. So often I find myself in awe of Him and the great sacrifice that He has made for ALL people, myself included. But it lasts only momentarily until some other fleeting Earthly thing grabs my affection. This is an affliction. I am not okay with this. But what do I do? When I start asking the question the rich man asked of Jesus, “How do I get to Heaven” I am still met with the same response that he was met with “Sell everything and follow Me.” That’s some heavy stuff. I call myself a “little Christ” but does my life truly reflect that? I think not. Christ dined with the corrupt, and laid hands on the lepers. He stood up for the prostitutes and those who lived lives full of shame. He invited the rejected into His everlasting Kingdom. And I cant even find it in me to ask a lonely aquaintance to eat with me. There went a grain, wasted.

I know that my Jesus extends grace and mercy to sinners. That much is evident by His words AND His actions. But I am done making an excuse for myself out of His forgiveness. I am ready to make my numbered grains count for something. This is my journey.