messy.

When I want to be, I am an incredibly neat and organized person. Each thing has its place. And I am such a  performance based person. Can you say type a? I really like things to go my way. I like control. And I like the security that calling all the shots brings. I know what I am going to do and when I'm going to do it. I like plans. And I like lists. People don't always (okay, ever) follow my plans. And I find it so frustrating at times when people don't fit into my mold. And thus I am tempted to shirk away in my irritation, and revert back to my  comfortable cave of control. Of course they're wrong. The thing is, people are variables, and they don't always fit into my equation to make my perfect result. They're kind of messy. And kind of frustrating. And kind of essential to my life. And maybe the fundamental problem is not their uncooperative nature, but rather my trying to force them into my plan like trying to force a puzzle piece in the wrong place. And my prideful, egocentric attitude towards my brothers and sisters in Christ.

Relationships are messy. They require trust and vulnerability, and require relinquishing control. That's really uncomfortable for me sometimes, but who would I be without them? Alone. The implications of that single word are gut-wrenching. No smiles, no hugs, no laughter over a warm cup of coffee, no holding hands, no dancing, no warmth. No LOVE. All of those things make my world spin around. What would I be willing to give up  a wee bit more control?

Holding hands while shopping in Target, and dancing around the kitchen with this chickadee...?

The most perfect picnics in late summer...? Maybe  I could live without the car ride that followed ;)

What about this girl?  It wasn't in my plan to sit next to her in anatomy and become best friends in the course of a few weeks. Maybe I'm not actually in control...

Or the surprise visits from her, just when I really needed it the most? Not in my plan either... but I loved every moment of it.

Or trying to cram too many people on a single blanket just to enjoy a perfect afternoon...?

Crazy study breaks that actually last longer than the study sessions?

Friendships that span language and international borders...?

Coffee dates with these beauties that fill my stomach and my heart...?

The bunches of sweet girls who fill my dorm and my days with laughter?

Would I be willing to squander a beautiful family just to have things go my way?

None of those people who fill my life with laughter, joy and love are truly more important to me than things going according to my plans. Yes, relationships can really suck but I'm convinced the benefits outweigh possible hurt. And maybe the messiest thing in my life is not in fact the relationships that surround me but rather my heart and my unhealthy desire to be in control. I guess the fact of the matter is I AM NOT IN CONTROL ANYWAYS! And while I have the compulsive need to plan and list, the best things come when I let go and let God take the reigns. Maybe He is a better planner than me, He sure has been doing it longer. 

Here's the truth: I'm just as messy as the rest of them, and maybe I should just breathe deep and embrace it. 

(my favorite picture...ever)

Abba, help me to let you truly be the Lord of my life. Be my everything. Humble me. I surrender all.

Crazy Like a Fox.

I've been home on break for nearly a week now, and I'd have to say I might've learned some greater lessons in that short span than in all semester in some of my classes. It's the real stuff. The lessons that don't leave me asking when am I EVER going to use that in real life, because it IS real life. But of course no good lesson ever happens without a teacher. My teacher doesn't take off her "teacher hat" when she leaves Farragut Primary. I'm pretty sure she was born with it on and she never takes it off. This week my teacher, aka mom, has taught me more about what it means to be a real godly woman than I could ever have ascertained on my own.

My mom is that lady, you all know one like her, who knows a good deal and when she sees it, she pounces. I always look at her a little bewildered and think when are you ever going to really use that, you're crazy. This week, her crazy purchases have saved our hineys a good dozen times. And each time she's looked at me and said "I'm crazy all right, crazy like a fox."

She's the lady who's friends with all my friends and never hesitates to welcome them on over to our house stating "Mi casa es su casa!" She also forgets that I don't understand her when she whispers little Spanish phrases to me so my sister can't understand... secret's out Sophia: I don't understand either! And she's the beautiful woman who notices admirable qualities in people and makes sure that they know she is proud of them.

My mom, the teacher who never stops teaching, takes her teaching job beyond the borders of the classroom teaching not only her children what it means to be a good person, but teaching her students the same. She takes good care of her "families." And goes out of her way to take care of her students' families needs just like she takes care of her own. She lives out the Gospel in a way that I can only theorize, and the best part about it...it just comes natural to her.

My mom has been the fortitude of strength that I have needed throughout my life, and has the story of a fighter like none other. She has taught me through her stories, and through her daily what it means to truly cherish the important things, to work hard and the value love and respect. I am so proud of the great mother that I have and so thankful for the time I get to spend with her this break.